I know that among the readers here are some who are actively seeking an agent, or who are anticipating doing so soon. You may find yourself having to create a separate file for agent rejections one day, and for that, I offer my sympathies in advance. Plus this tongue-in-cheek open letter, which I coincidentally penned immediately before signing with WordServe Literary. Please feel free to use it in the advancement of your own writing career.
Dear Literary Agent,
If you think I havenāt read your blog, youāre wrong. I thought Iād clear that up right away.
I am so diligent, Iāve even delved into your ambitious archives, perusing entries from as long ago as two weeks. At this point, I know what youāre looking for in a client even better than you do. In fact, because I am such a devoted student of your career, writings, and personal life (including that foxy photo of you on your Harley, va-voom!), I feel I can say without a doubt that I am your next dream author.
How can I be so sure? I am glad you asked!
For one thing, youāve very clearly expressed your preference for having āgood writingā sent your way. At first when I read this, I said “Doh!” but then I gave it some serious thought. Iām betting your definition of good writing is the same as my BFFās, which means Iām in luck.
Attached is the only scene Iāve slapped together so far. After you read it (get a move on!) and Iāve agreed to be represented by you, I will gladly crank out the rest of the novel. It could take a while, though, so I’d advise you to keep your high hopes in check. I am currently in communication with many notable agents. I even know several of them by name and have called their assistants to verify whether or not “Ricky” is a Mr. or a Mrs. or a Miss. Youāll certainly realize that developing these relationships represents a considerable time commitment on my part.
In addition, submitting a proposal for a book I havenāt gotten around to writing would be a giant waste of my time and talents, as I am sure you will agree.
Second, you have indicated you donāt want to sign any high-maintenance, best-seller wannabes. I can assure you that Iāve never personally obtained a mani-pedi (photos availble upon request). Also, I can produce a matched set of yellowed postcards from my dentist verifying that I am nine years behind in my supposedly every-six-months (ha!) check-ups. No wayĀ am I high-maintenance! If youāll either call me on my cell or email me within fourteen minutes of receiving thisāas you should if you are truly the professional you profess yourself to beāwe can discuss this point until Iām satisfied that you understand.
Third, you state that any client you take on must have a platform already in place. Bingo! We have a winner! I have been an active blogger for twelve plus years, during which time I have chronicled with sterling clarity my aging motherās propensity for swearing like a drunken Marine (no worn-out cliches here, baby!) as well as her advancing incontinence.
Google my stats and youāll see I now have six regular readers, half of whom have agreed to be sent free copies of my first book in exchange for 1-starred reviews on Amazon. You cannot buy (though I’m not against the idea, per se) that kind of fan loyalty.
Finally, you say you are seeking authors who seem unlikely to end up one-hit wonders. While Iād prefer not to promise you the moon until my staggering work of heartbreaking genius reaches the top of the NYT list, I think itās pretty safe to say thereās PLENTY more wherever that first scene came from. Or I guess I should say, “from where that first scene came.”
In conclusion, I am absolutely brimming with potential, just the way you like āem.
I look forward to hearing from you soon. Very soon.
Best regards,
Katy McKenna
Haha tears of laughter steaming down my cheeks. That was terrific.
Aorey that was from me. Thought I was already logged in.
Maranatha, Thank you!!! I think you could include a description of yourself crying huge tears in your own open letter. Agents are sympathetic souls and would definitely respond to such a pitiful tactic, hahaha!!
Ohhh wow!! This was like comparing my resume with that of a bad example resume!! But you hit upon interesting, and horrifyingly familiar points. I promise on a stack of Harry Potter novels that I will NOT query an agent without a completed (and heavily edited and rewritten) novel. š
Good for you, Nicole!! You captured my true purpose in writing this letter. Girl, I have made so many mistakes along the way—and still am, I’m sure. For instance, shouldn’t I have known that agents have “templates” they like their clients to use when developing proposals? DOH!!! Amazingly, my agent hasn’t lost patience with me. I wish the same for you!!
That was hilarious! Thank you for the giggles. I really wonder, though, if there are writers that behave this way. And then I’d want to know what the agent/editor/publisher thought and how they reacted, etc.
This could be a fine series, Katy! My advice? Write half of the first chapter and send it to your agent. Twice. Beause they might not get it the first time. I’m positive they’d love it and would be sure it will skyrocket to the top of the lists for all-time awesomeness. Then it would be photos of you on your very own, brand new motorcycle. However, you may want to hold back your smile as I’m sure things look pretty grim after nine years of no dental work. š
Amanda, I would LOVE to know how editors and agents respond when they receive letters that are way out of left field! I saw an agent on facebook a few days ago say that he had received the very WORST proposal of his entire (long) career and MAN I wanted to see that proposal! But alas, we can only conjecture. š And your idea about a series?? Why, a series of posts just like this one could become a book, don’t you think? I’m SURE my agent would LOVE to see that one, haha.
Too funny. The sad thing is I expect several agents have gotten a seriously written letter similar to this one.
Warning! Wannabee Writers . . . this is a joke. A joke. Satire. Tongue-in-cheek.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!
Sharon, I HOPE no one thought this was serious advice, but you never know!! I appreciate you watching over our flock of readers. š I suppose it would represent a serious breach of ethics, but it would be so fascinating and instructive to read some REAL letters agents have received, wouldn’t it? Wow.
But–but what if you *are* high-maintenance???
Margo, I understand that you are eager to acquire an agent who will arrange for your “research” trip to Paris to be funded, and why not? Didn’t the Eat, Pray, Love chick get her trip around the world comped by her publisher? Hang in there, girl. The Eiffel Tower is in your future, and a sidewalk cafe for writing purposes, too. Ask, Bug, Force!!! š
What a way to start my writing day!
Katy, I can’t thank you enough for a great laugh. I must admit though, the power in your humor is the familiarity expressed in Nicole’s comment above. Just because I didn’t pen it, doesn’t mean I didn’t think it — at least on a couple of points. Ughhh!
Sharon, I think you were wise to alert folks that this is truly a satirical joke. And I agree — Do NOT try this in your query.
Still chuckling….
š
Anita, oh, YEAH. What I have done here is called “writing what you know.” Or at least what you’ve been terribly tempted to do. Isn’t it WILD the ideas that cross our feeble minds, and how so darned BAD they can be??? š I am thrilled to have made you chuckle. Thanks for letting me know!
ROTFL!!!!! Love this, Katy! And you!
Amy, I think you may have now safely made it past the gauntlet of Unadvisable Letters to Agents. I am so proud of you and your upcoming books, AND that I can still on occasion make you SNORT. Love you, girl!!
Hilarious, Katy! Love it!
Thank you, Michelle!!! I am glad to deliver a laugh to your day!
Thanks for the laugh. Makes me feel a little better about myself. š
Count it my pleasure, Robin! Believe me, I’ve done enough goofy stuff on this trek toward publication to make nearly everyone’s self-esteem rise exponentially! You should feel GREAT! š
How funny! I suddenly feel much better about my own agent queries.
Dear Writing, you should feel fanTAStic!!! Nothing can stop you now. š Loved seeing your comment here–thanks.
Love it, Katy! Too funny!
Shellie, wow! Coming from a Funny Girl like you, I am so honored. Bless you, lady!
Katy… just awesome. Loved it!! I’m sure it had Greg in stitches.
Jordyn, ha!! The things our dear agent has to put up with!!! š Love you, friend!
What a great post. Thanks for sharing it with us. I loved it. God bless you.
Glenda Parker
Thank you, Glenda!! I’m so glad you had fun with it…..
Love it!
Thank you, Jan! I’m glad you got a kick out of it. š
Katy, you absolutely ARE brimming with potential! I love everything you write! I will surely use this letter to catch me an agent.